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[29 Mar 2006|11:22am] |
Ehh...
It's nice outside but I feel the urge to explain myself. To everyone, especially my friends.
I've felt so much resentment towards Daniel lately. I understand EXACTLY why he feels the way he does about me and says the things he does to me but its all so circumstantial. Prior to knowing the "revoution" as my core group of friends, I worked 45 hour weeks plus school etc. Ive worked a job since I was 13 years old. I accepted grown up responsibilities (and privleges) at far too young an age. Once I broke up with Brad, I became a completely different person. I was free to hang out with and party with whomever I chose. Shortly after I met a guy who was seemingly perfect. I practically threw away my senior year in 30 some odd days to spend every waking moment with this kid. Everything about him was amazing to me, and still to this day I am locked to him. I quit school because public school is ridiculous and I began working with my dad at his rental houswhich I still do. However, in the midst of all this my parents discover I smoke pot. Then my parents discover all of my other use, decide I have a problem and ship me off to rehab. So here's where I am now.
1. I have no job.
2. I have no money
3. I have no graduated higschool
4. My family hates me
5. I have no friends
In the pursuit of solely having a good time, I've lost every person in my life that even remotely gave a shit about me. I feel that the people I hang out with now like me, yet they dont feel anything... laptop is dying, I'll finish this later.
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| Kiley did it! |
[02 Mar 2006|08:59pm] |
[ ] I have eaten more than 5 meals a day.
[x] I have read a lot of books.
[ ] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
[x] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[ ] I have been to Canada.
[X] I have been to Europe.
[X] I have watched cartoons for hours.
[X] I have tripped UP the stairs.
[x] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
[X] I have been snowboarding/skiing.
[X] I have played ping pong.
[X] I swam in the ocean.
[ ] I have been on a whale watch.
[X] I have seen fireworks.
[x] I have seen a shooting star.
[x] I have seen a meteor shower.
[x] I have almost drowned.
[x] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.
[x] I have listened to one cd over & over & over again.
[X] I have had stitches.
[x] I have been on the honor roll.
[ ] I have had frostbite.
[ ] I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there
[x] I have stayed up til 2 doing homework/projects.
[ ] I currently have a job.
[x] I have been ice skating.
[x] I have been rollerblading.
[x] I have fallen flat on my face.
[x] I have tripped over my own feet.
[x] I have been in a fist fight.
[x] I have played videogames for more than 3 hours straight.
[x] I have watched the power rangers.
[ ] I do attend Church regularly.
[x] I have played truth or dare.
[x] I have already had my 16th birthday.
[x] I have already had my 17th birthday.
[x] I've lost weight since one year ago.
[x] I've called someone stupid. And meant it.
[x] I've been in a verbal argument.
[x] I've cried in school.
[ ] I've played basketball on a team.
[X] I've played baseball on a team.
[X] I've played football on a team.
[X] i've played soccer on a team.
[x] I've done cheerleading on a team.
[ ] I've played softball on a team.
[ ] I've played volleyball on a team.
[X] I've played tennis on a team.
[X] I've been on a track team.
[x] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
[ ] I've bungee jumped.
[X] I've climbed a rock wall.
[x] I've lost more than $20.
[x] I've called myself an idiot.
[x] I've called someone else an idiot.
[x] I've cried myself to sleep.
[x] I've had (or have) pets.
[X]I've owned a spice girls cd.
[x] I've owned a britney spears cd.
[x] I've owned an N*Sync cd.
[x] I've owned a backstreet boys cd.
[x] I've mooned someone.
[X] I've sworn at someone in authority.
[x] I've been in the newspaper.
[x] I've been on TV.
[ ] I've been to Hawaii.
[ ] I've eaten sushi.
[x] I've been on the other side of a waterfall.
[x] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
[x] I've watched all of the Harry Potter movies.
[x] I've watched all of the Rocky movies.
[x] I've watched the 3 stooges.
[x] I've watched "Newly weds" Nick & Jessica.
[x] I've watched Looney Tunes.
[ ] I've been stuffed into a locker.
[x] I've been called a geek.
[x] I've studied hard for a test and gotten a bad grade.
[x] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it.
[ ] I've hugged my mom within the past 24 hrs.
[ ] I've hugged my dad within the past 24 hours.
[x] I've met a celebrity/music artist.
[x] I've written poetry.
[X] I've been arrested.
[X] I've been attracted to someone much older than me.
[x] I've been tickled till I've cried.
[x] I've tickled someone else until they cried.
[x] I've had/have siblings.
[x] I've been to a rock concert.
[x] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[x] I've been in a play.
[x] I've been picked last in gym class.
[x] I've been picked first in gym class.
[x] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class.
[x] I've cried in front of my friends.
[x] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages.
[X] I've played Halo 2.
[x] I've freaked out over a sports game.
[ ] I've been to Alaska.
[ ] I've been to China.
[x] I've been to Spain.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[X] I've had a fight with someone on AIM.
[X] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face.
[x] I've had serious converstations on any IM.
[x] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me.
[x] I've been forgiven.
[x] I've screamed at a scary movie.
[x] I've cried at a chick flick.
[x] I've watched a lot of action movies.
[x] I've screamed at the top of my lungs.
[x] I've been to a rap concert.
[x] I've been to a hip hop concert.
[x] I've lived in more than 2 houses.
[X] I've driven on the highway
[X] I've driven more than 40 miles in a day
[x] I've been in a car accident
[x] I've done drugs.
[x] I've been homesick.
[x] I've thrown up
[ ] I've puked all over someone.
[x] I've been horseback riding.
[x] I've filled out more than 10 surveys.
[x] I've spoken my mind in public.
[x] I've proved someone wrong
[x] I've been proved wrong by someone.
[ ] I've broken a leg.
[X] I've broken an arm.
[x] I've fallen off a swing.
[ ] I've swung on a swing for more than 30 mins straight.
[ ] I've watched Winnie the Pooh movies.
[x] I've forgotten my backpack when I've gone to school.
[x] I've lost my backpack.
[x] I've come close to dying.
[X] I've seen someone die.
[x] I've known someone who has died.
[x] I've wanted to be an actor/actress at some point.
[x] I've done modeling.
[x] I've forgotten to brush my teeth some mornings. (but that's why i keep a toothbrush & toothpaste in the car)
[x] I've taken something/someone for granted.
[x] I've realized how good my life is.
[x] I've counted my blessings.
[x] I've made fun of a classmate.
[x] I've been on a date.
[x] I've been asked out by someone and I said no.
[ ] I've asked someone on a date and been turned down.
[x] I've slapped someone in the face.
[x] I've been skateboarding. (attempted to at least)
[x] I've been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend.
[x] I've lied to someone to their face.
[x] I've told a little white lie.
[x] I've taken a day off from school just so I don't go insane.
[x] I've fainted
[ ] I've had an argument with someone about whether dance is a sport or not.
[x] I've pushed someone into a pool.
[x] I've been pushed into a pool
Hmm... Not sure wether I just wasted my time.
Anywho, I'm going to stop referencing Kiley on my livejournal. Its making me look desperate. If someone who didnt know us were to read my journal, they'd think I was crazy.
I found Dave today on livejournal... rather, Dave found me. What a kick ass person.
Hey Dave, you want some Koolaid?
Thats all for now.
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| Im staring at the asphault wondering, whats burried underneath. |
[02 Mar 2006|11:50am] |
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Aerodynamic- Daft Punk |
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Lent lent lent lent.
I've been obsessing over what to give up for this period of time. I have yet to eat today for the fact that I will be giving up some sort of food. I would like to use this period to really get back on top of my weight. I've developed almost an entirely different group of friends. They really have no concept of the way I was for awhile. As I deleted old entries to prepare this journal, I looked at how worried my friends were. I looked at the obsessive talk about my weight, weight loss strategies (both healthy and unhealthy), and general disgust for myself.
I no longer hate myself. There are things about me physically that I have to ignore as I eat. But also, there are things about me emotionally that I have to ignore with every breath I take. So I've decided for Lent to work on both aspects (in a healthy manner).
This is my plan
1. Meditate daily
2. Conduct a fearless moral inventory in an effort to find my character flaws
3. Stop eating foods that are saturated with calories, those that are overly fattening and those dense in saturated fats
4. Eat only when I am hungry
5. Control portion sizes
6. Leave caffeine alone
7. Crunches, lunges, running and weights will once more become a daily routine
8. Drink water more often than not
9. Do not eat for comfort when I become upset, find more healthy ways to deal with emotions (i.e. # 1 or through excercise)
10. Cut back on carbs
I'll probably add more as time progresses
Spring break is coming up. I refuse to ...
1. Sit at home
2. Go somewhere stupid with my idiotic family who at this point is not speaking to each other.
So.... that leaves me with...
Hannah from rehab wanted me to go to Panama City but i have no one to go with. Spring break definately snuck up on me. Tesh and I were discussing Miami but I'd prefer something closer in reality. I've also got to come up with some money soon. And come up with a story for my parents. Parental contact at least.
*Sigh*
I'm finished with school, I'm a fucking senior and I still have yet to have a real spring break or a real summer break. Yep, thats right. I've never been to Myrtle beach with a bunch of my friends... Even the shit of all beaches I've yet to visit without parental supervision. I wonder what they're going to do when I move out.
I kinda wanna go bowling or play laser tag or something of that nature. I miss things like that.
Please excuse my mess, this journal is under renovations!
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[01 Mar 2006|09:46pm] |
So I read a kids book today. I was appauled. Its called "So who's Mr. Fish anyways?" and I look in the back for a book pocket and I happen to catch a page with the title "Main Characters". I kid you not, I felt like I was in an episode of the Proud Family. Listen to these names.
Antonia
Alvin
Myrra
Emad
Renata
Sumate.
...
Whatever happened to Jill? Sam?... maybe an occasional Raul?! but SUMATE?!
So through my meditations and really working on my character flaws, I've been blessed with a sort of calm. Yeah, it sounds gay... but for the tumultuous being that is Kathryn Leigh Cramer, it has been amazing. Grappling with the idea of a higher power is the most amazingly difficult task I've had lately. I've been studying buddhism. In all other religions I've encountered, there has been this uncomfortable necessity of worshiping an unseen god. I love the idea of going through life with your eyes open instead of following blindly what you're told to do. Like I said though, I'm grappling.
I did this for you Kiley.
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